Advisors, Advisees and the Arabic Marriage

For those of you who are currently contemplating getting married, my heart goes out to you at this difficult time in your life. Suddenly everybody whom you know, you think that you know, or, worse than that, "those who think that they know you" become your trusted "advisors" who seem to be genuinely concerned about your choice of Mrs. or Mr. Right.

Arabs in general love to offer advice. Of course, things are different when you ask for it, but usually most of the advice that we receive is unwelcomed, unexpected, and unwanted. Advice varies in depth from superficial gossip to deep psychological insight. Pretty much the quality of advice has to do more with the maturity of the "advisor". To simplify things, I like to categorize superficial advice into three categories: physical, familial and financial. Before I give you a few examples, I must warn madly-in-love marriage-seekers that some of these statements might be emotionally disturbing, especially if they were meant to describe their beloved ones. "She is too short to bear your children, my son." (physical), or "What are you thinking honey, he is a poor government-worker!" (financial), or "Did you know that his family actually has a history of infertility?" (familial). The list just goes on.

For those "advisees" who think that getting such advice does not bother them emotionally while they are going through this stage, I have only one thing to say, "Denial is a big river in Egypt." The truth is that no matter how much you know "who you are" and therefore know "who you are looking for", such "advice" will get under your skin. So as much as I hate to give advice, here is one: "Never listen to superficial advice."

To be objective, not all these "advisors" are immature, self-centered, shallow, and silly. You actually might be one of those "advisees" who are lucky enough to have wise mature "advisors". The wise "advisors", who tend to be older in age, and have a long experience in life would probably suggest that you should look for someone who shares the same beliefs about faith and other values. "The happiest couples are those who have similar values about life, politics, family traditions, and religion," they would say. On the other hand, "advisors" who are young in age and believe in Freudian wisdom might think differently. For them, being in a committed relationship is just like living with a roommate, a relationship which entails regular interaction and requires extensive coordination in dealing with tasks, habits, hobbies and problems of daily living. Therefore, they would argue that you have to choose someone who is very similar to your personality. If you are an easy-going, open-minded, fun-loving movie addict, then probably you should be looking for someone like that.

Personally, I do not know which is more important in the "Value vs. Personality" debate, so I cannot give you advice. Besides, I'm not one for the advisor role anyway. The truth is probably somewhere in between. But let me tell you something that I know very well. When I got married, I had my own sharing of receiving all kinds of relationship advice. To be honest with you, I did not like much of any of it. The only advice that I liked came from a couple who had been married for 53 years. Their advice was: "Getting married is not about choosing the right person, it is about being the right one."SHIFAA